Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Bored, huh?... Well.. you're not alone. Many people RIGHT NOW are just as bored as you and are probably resorting to doing pointless or stupid things to relieve their boredom.
So here are some things to do when you're bored. Enjoy!
1. Learn the tango. Perform your newly learned routine in front of literally as many people as you can find.
2. Pretend there are alien invaders attacking your home and defend your house against them bravely.
3. See how long you can stare at a solitary ant for. Follow it round the floor. see what it does. You'll be surprised how they pretty much walk round in circles for hours. No joke, what is the point of ants? They literally do nothing.
4. Watch 'The Notebook'. Having said that, don't ever watch this film it will make you want to eat your own face and shave with a chainsaw.
5. Imagine you are a raindrop, sailing towards the earth at high speeds. Dodge your fellow raindrops and try to land safely. Hey you know what they should make this into an iPhone app/game thing.. would be a bestseller.
6. Pretend there's a Zombie Invasion. Many a long winter evening has been passed by pretending there are zombies attacking your bedroom, run around, find a weapon, practice for the real thing. Don't die though... and whatever you do, don't do these things: 'Things never to do in a Zombie Invasion'
7. Confuse Yourself. How do you know that all of this isn't just a dream within a dream? how can you be sure that it's not. Another way to do this is to try Number 8.
8. Try this trick! Think of a number, Double it, add 6, take away the number you started with. Your answer is 3. Be amazed.
9. Do some cooking. Just don't burn the house down. Watch 'Epic meal time!' for some really fun ideas... and remember to do Jack Daniels shots for no reason at all whilst preparing your meal.
10. See if you can fly if you flap your arms fast enough. C'mon if birds can do it I'm sure we can too.
11. Try and make a slug engage in a mixed martial arts match, against a snail. be the referee. Hey you could even televise it and become a millionaire insect fighting coach.
12. Race the winner of the martial arts match against a common soil worm.
13. Write lists of things to do. Or alternatively try and become a potato.
14. Pretend you are a Dubstep track. Dance and make sounds accordingly.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Today I am hiding in the house. I have hidden in the house for weeks now. I am hiding from a cat. It not just any cat I am hiding from. I am hiding from Whinny the whiner. I made a mistake. I felt sorry for Whinny. In the hordes of cats that have invaded my flower beds for years, I noticed Whinny. I noticed her because I saw Whinny getting her butt kicked day after day. All the cats fight. They have their own little pecking order-type society like all other creatures. They do not seem to hold a grudge with each other. They fight and then get over it. In the evening when I sink into my lawn chair for a smoke and a drink, the cats gather around me on the lawn for company. None of them are truly pets which need touching. We just sit in each other's company mostly. This works for me. I have a problem with going through life with pets who demand their ears and butts be scratched. You need your ears and butt scratched, do it yourself. I scratch my own ears and butt; I am not going to make a hobby out of being a butt scratcher for some cat.
In the evening hours, I have learned the rank of almost every cat in their secret society. The bottom members of the society are always trying to move up. The top members are always trying to hold their spot. When they push to gain rank, tempers flare. We have small explosions of fur and spit around my lawn chair. The tempers quickly calm just as fast as they ignited. Mostly it is calm, well-ordered gathering around my chair. The top cat is Fluff N' Stuff. She gets the empty lawn chair next to me. She has been here the longest. Her daughter, Lil'Fluff ranks number two. Lil'Fluff earned her rank. She like all the others clawed her way up after being forgotten by her mother. Cats are like that. They seem to forget their children. Once the child is raised they hold no responsibility for what happens to the child. The two seem to have a distant bond. Between them there is respect. I never see Lil" Fluff push to outrank her mother. Below them the society spreads out to Rosie, Gracie, and Audrey. It goes down steps to Zelda, Martha, and ten other female cats who are adults. At the very bottom of the pecking order is a young, ratty looking daughter of Fluff N' Stuff. She was raised last year. She has been forgotten by her mother.
I call her Whinny. It is a new name she just earned in the last two months. I noticed Whinny getting her butt kicked day after day in small disturbances like all the rest. It was nothing new. Whinny was just being taught her place in the circle of cats around my chair. The lower rank cats sit farther from my chair. They can only move closer if I take the time to pet them or scratch behind their ears. The top cats will move over a quarter of an inch to make room for those highest in my favor. Whinny's place was as far away from my chair as she could be placed. I wish I had left her there. But somehow Whinny had offended fat butt Audrey.
I do not know what Whinny did to incur the wrath of fat butt Audrey, but she had paid for it six months now. I could not help feeling sorry for Whinny. Audrey seemed to be holding a grudge. This was strange, new behavior even for Audrey. Audrey was never a favorite of mine. I found her too pushy and aggressive compared to the other cats. No one was allowed to eat from the same pile of dry cat food on the sidewalk that Audrey ate from. If any tried; Audrey would snarl and claw their faces. She had an evil, hateful look on her face. Her green eyes are always closed in a half slit fashion as if the sight of all in her vision should die. Audrey shared that face with not only all the other cats, but with me as well. It was easy to see Audrey feels she is doing the rest of us a favor just by tolerating us. She has never had any mercy for the cats of lower rank. Every day she pushes hard to move up in rank by disrespecting Rosie and Gracie. I can really find nothing good to say about Audrey with the exception that she is a very good mother to her children. It was easy for my heart to go soft at the sight of Audrey abusing poor Whinny.
It started with daily confrontations. Each time it ended with Whinny cowering under a bush torn and scratched. The abuse had gotten so bad, just having Audrey's green eyes settle on her face was enough to send Whinny running. Whinny made all the gestures of a beaten cat to appease Audrey. It was never enough. Something in Whinny's body language just irritated Audrey to no end. Audrey was so infuriated by the sight of Whinny she now would cross the lawn just to ruin her day. She no longer waited for Whinny to walk by in the tiny paths they have worn into my lawn. The sight of Whinny across the lawn was enough to launch Audrey into a full attack. She began to chase Whinny as far as she could see her. Audrey's temper toward Whinny never cooled. It only grew hotter each day. Whinny ran from the lawn in total fear of losing her life. She could no longer eat any meals with the others cats. She could no longer join the sunbathing crew on the front porch. Whinny could no longer sit in the evening around my chair. Audrey had no patience, respect, or mercy for Whinny. Most of her days, Whinny was spending her life hanging from a tree limb waiting for Audrey to leave the base of the tree. Unfortunately Audrey had enlisted the help of her two daughters, Alice and Zelda. Alice and Zelda would quickly scamper up the trees to toss a well-clawed up Whinny to the ground for the ever waiting Audrey.
About two months ago, I thought Whinny had been eaten by the fox. I had not seen her in over a month. I was busy working on my flower bed when I heard the cries of what sounded like a small kitten. I pushed back the flowers to discover a very thin, well beaten Whinny hiding from Audrey and her henchmen. Whinny has always been wild, but on that day Whinny seemed to need comfort. I reached out and scratched her ears. I was surprised she did not run away. It was a mistake to comfort Whinny. She thought we had bonded. We did not bond in my mind. I only offered comfort. I did not see a relationship blooming here. Whinny saw the moment as the day she became a God.
She followed me everywhere. In the beginning I did not mind, but she would look at me then whine in a long, low meow as if she was dying. It was defiantly a whine. Whinny is a whiner. I forgave her for the whining in the first few days. Life had been tough for Whinny since Audrey had ordered her death. Each time she whined I reached out to scratch her ears as comfort. But the whining never ceased. Whinny followed me everywhere whining. To say it was getting on my nerves by the second week would be kind. I now found myself looking for Audrey to come and save me from Whinny with her damn whining. While I had previously thought Audrey was the most awful cat on earth, now I wondered, "Where is my savior?"
After four days of following me around whining, Whinny had gained the courage once again to join the crowd around my chair in the evening. Audrey was not pleased to see her. Whinny dropped to the ground on her belly quickly slinking by Audrey to hide directly under my lawn chair. Audrey accepted the move. She settled back into place with an icy glare on her face content to wish death on Whinny from her place in the circle. Whinny stuck her head from under my chair long enough to stare straight up into my face to whine one long, painful, gut retching whine. Yes, it sounded like a death rattle in her throat. I was weak. I scratched her ears to comfort her. Whinny had achieved her rank around my chair. It was a moment I now totally regret.
Day after day, my bond with Whinny has grown stronger. It is not my choice. The painful, long whines slice through my nerves. To be honest I just want to punch her or kick her. But she is a helpless creature who has suffered. Instead of following my heart, I reach out and scratch her ears. In the evenings when we gather on the lawn; Whinny now sits under my chair whining. Over and over and over she whines. To be honest I think I am beginning to hate her as much as Audrey does. Whinny never leaves from under my chair. I think her whining has started to grade on the other cats as well. They take turns slinking around my chair out of my sight to launch an attack from the back. In these attacks Whinny shoves herself between my feet to hiss at her attackers. I drive them off in fear I will die in a cloud of fur and claws. I am sure all the other cats now blame me for our visits from Whinny. I can feel their resentment.
I can no longer go out of the house without Whinny in my every step. With each step she whines straight up into my face for maximum sympathy. Yes, I have to admit I now make sure my wanderings across the yard take me within reach of Audrey or her daughters, Alice and Zelda. I take no joy in the punishment Whinny receives, but God, how I love the peace and quiet far away from her whiny voice. It might be, I am just an awful person, but each day I find I like Audrey more and more. Thank God, Christmas is coming. I already can hear the joy some nice relative is going to feel when they find Whinny under their tree.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
If you see a zombie you'd better grab your things and avoid that he detects you. You don't want to fight as this results in a waste of physical strength, ammunition or weapons and can easily lead many, many other zombies their way to your position.
Don't talk to them (you may scream something like "Motherfu**er" though). They won't start to become human when you talk to them, they won't remember. And even if there is a chance: don't risk that the chance is existent.
If in doubt: NO!
Don't let them fool you: a friendly hug should be denied, neither should you shake hands with them! Don't start a joint venture or handle them out any personal data as well. (In case a zombie is interested in a joint venture to trade stocks, you may agree!).
A zombie could also pretend it is hurt or can't run. If they trick you, it is easy for them to catch you unprepared because you chill down a bit.
Always remember: Zombies are bastards and you should kill'em before they lay eggs!
You also should also be aware that, if you meet a zombie, you should always know how to escape. A good escape plan is the A and the O, all you need from A to Z. Zombies are dangerous creatures, always in the mood for a very brainy snack! So beware that you are getting into a trap (never underestimate their intelligence if it is about brains/humans). Knowing to escape is knowing how to survive IMHO. And you should always know how to survive, even the best armor can't help you if you find yourself stuck in a street without any way to escape and a horde of wild zombies in berserk mode.
More than once: Knowledge is power!
But not only knowledge is power. Weapons are too!
When grabbing your weapons and getting ready to rumble, you should check a few things for yourself:
- Long distance or rather short distance weapons?
- Not afraid of getting into a brawl (so pack a "knife")
- Flamethrowers look awesome but are ineffective as a burning zombie could hug you which MAY result in a very unhappy ending for you as a human torch 2.0
- Not afraid of getting into a brawl (so pack a "knife")
- Flamethrowers look awesome but are ineffective as a burning zombie could hug you which MAY result in a very unhappy ending for you as a human torch 2.0
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Fawlty Towers, a fictional hotel in the seaside town of Torquay, on the "English Riviera" and is the setting for the series. The plots centre around tense, rude and put-upon owner Basil Fawlty (Cleese), his bossy wife Sybil (Prunella Scales), a rather normal chambermaid Polly (Booth), and hapless Spanish waiter Manuel (Andrew Sachs) and their attempts to run the hotel amidst farcical situations and an array of demanding and eccentric guests.
In May 1971 the Monty Python team stayed at the Gleneagles Hotel (which is referred to in "The Builders" episode) in Torquay whilst filming on location. It was whilst staying at this hotel that Cleese and Booth came up with the idea for the show. During the stay John Cleese became fascinated with the behaviour of Donald Sinclair, the owner, whom was described by Cleese as "the most marvellously rude man I've ever met."
Sinclair's behaviour included throwing a timetable at a guest who asked when the next bus to town would arrive; and placing Eric Idle's briefcase (put to one side by Idle while waiting for a car with Cleese behind a wall in the garden on the suspicion that it contained a bomb
He also criticised the American-born Terry Gilliam's table manners for not being "British" (that is, he switched hands with his fork whilst eating). Cleese and Booth stayed on at the hotel after filming, furthering their research of the hotel owner. According to Sinclair 'staff problems' with the hotel explained his actions.
Fawlty Towers revolves around the exploits and misadventures of short-fused hotelier Basil Fawlty, his wife Sybil and their employees, porter and waiter Manuel, maid Polly, and in the second series chef Terry. Each episode usually include Basil's efforts to succeed in 'raising the tone' of his hotel and his increasing frustration at the numerous complications and mistakes, both his own and those of others, which prevent him from doing so. The humour comes from Basil's overly aggressive manner, engaging in angry but witty arguments with guests, staff and in particular his formidable wife, whom he addresses (in a faux-romantic way) with insults such as "that golfing puff adder", "my little piranha fish" and "my little nest of vipers". Despite this, he frequently feels intimidated, she being able to stop him in his tracks at any time, usually with a short, sharp cry of "Basil!" At the end of some episodes, Basil succeeds in annoying (or at least bemusing) the guests and frequently gets his comeuppance.
Fawlty Towers was placed first, voted for by industry professionals, in a list of the 100 Greatest British Television Programmes drawn up by the British Film Institute in 2000. It was also voted fifth in the BBC's "Britain's Best Sitcom" poll in 2004, and second only to Frasier in The Ultimate Sitcom poll of comedy writers in January 2006. Basil Fawlty was top of the Britain's Funniest Comedy Character poll, held by Five on 14 May 2006. "The Germans" was ranked No. 12 on TV Guide's 100 Greatest Episodes of All Time.
Because of the popularity of Fawlty Towers there is a huge demand for tribute nights. One of the best is from Laughlines Comedy Entertainment. Performed in a restaurant amongst the diners, Fawlty Towers The Dinner Show is a spectacular tribute to the iconic British sitcom. Everything that can go wrong will and as the dining audience are part of the show they gain first-hand experience of the Fawlty's infamous hospitality; comical mishaps and manic
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
"You Mad Bro?", or simply "You Mad?" is an internet meme that has been around for quite a while now. It is commonly used in discussion forums to point out if someone becomes angry during exchanges of arguments. Some even use "U MAD" to bait others into more conflict inside these discussion boards. Just by looking into its provocative nature, one could instantly understand that it's a great tool for luring others into instant verbal fights.
Hip Hop Music Roots
If you are a fan of hip hop music, you would know that "You Mad" is commonly used during freestyle clashes by rappers with the primary intention of breaking their opponent's concentration. "You Mad" is used as a strategy to win over the crowd as well. It is also common that rappers add something after "You Mad" to strengthen its impact on both crowd and opponent.
Cam' Ron - Bill O' Reilly Show Origin
In November 2003, rapper Cam'Ron was invited to the Bill O'Reilly Show. During the course of the interview, Cam'Ron was quoted saying "You mad, you mad" to Bill while pointing at him and that's all it needed for this internet meme to start spreading like containable wildfire.
The spread of the internet meme "You mad" sometimes "You mad, bro?" made it into the Urban Dictionary in 2005. In 2007, countless U Mad pictures appeared in a discussion forum for body builders.
Popularity in Facebook
Facebook has always been an important ground for internet meme fans for sharing and discussion. As of September of 2012, a popular "You Mad Bro?" fan page has already received 398,000 likes. Several other fan pages exist as well and the numbers of their followers are growing really fast.
Popular You Mad Images
Some popular images for this funny internet meme include the Cam'Ron photo at the Bill O'Reilly Show, the 80's Will Smith image, the Oprah moving photo, and some images of President Barack Obama.
Tee shirts have been a widely used medium for putting internet meme in prints. The same holds true with U Mad Bro. Several shirt printing and novelty item companies have released their own versions of You Mad Bro. There are even tee shirts which answer back to this popular phrase with phrases like "I Ain't Even Mad, Bro".
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
During the late 1960s I was an adolescent living with my parents in the New York City area. Because I was an only child and my parents were older, I learned to appreciate a very eclectic assortment of entertainments which included Broadway Plays. At that time one of the biggest hits on Broadway was Hello Dolly. Although the role of Dolly was made famous by both Carol Channing and Pearl Bailey on Broadway, various television, film and other well known stage actresses took it on from time to time. One of them was Phyllis Diller.
My parents had already taken me to several Broadway productions during the middle to late 1960s, but the one I really wanted to see was Hello Dolly. At that time the movie version had not yet been made and I was curious about why so many people liked that play about a scheming matchmaker who was trying her best to fix up a wealthy Yonkers merchant with a wife, but actually wanted him for herself. The play took place in the late 1800s in New York City, a time I became fascinated with as a youth. Needless to say, I was thrilled when my dad told me that he had managed to get some tickets to see the almost always sold out show.
Although I had hoped to see Carol Channing in her signature role as Dolly, I was equally thrilled when my dad said that Phyllis Diller was starring in the current production while Carol took a break from playing that part. I knew Phyllis Diller from television. She was an extremely popular comedienne who appeared on television variety shows often enough so that I immediately recognized her name and knew her style very well. At that time Phyllis performed her act in a housedress, playing the part of a modern and progressive housewife whose long suffering husband Fang was the constant subject of unflattering jokes which made you laugh until you almost cried.
Phyllis Driver was born in Lima, Ohio, on July 17, 1917. I guess you could say her first foray into entertainment was learning to play the piano and studying classic music at Sherwood Music Conservatory in Chicago. She later attended Bluffton University in Ohio where she was a classmate of Hugh Downs, who later worked for NBC News and became a long-running host of The Today Show. In 1939 Phyllis married Sherwood Anderson Diller and the two headed off to live and work in California. They had six children together, but were divorced in 1965. Diller married Warde Donovan sometime shortly after her divorce, but that marriage also ended in 1974.
Before her career as a comedienne, Phyllis struggled to help take care of her family. That was what lead to her first job as a journalist at a local newspaper where she was paid a very meager salary. Her husband held various jobs, but never stayed at one for very long. Always in a state of financial distress, Diller often made light of her situation by sarcastically describing her life to other homemakers that she met at local Laundromats, food stores and PTA meetings. She also injected her unique brand of humor in her newspaper articles.
As friends, neighbors and newspaper readers became familiar with her own humorous take on a life filled with challenges, they began inviting Phyllis to speak at local clubs and events. Most of these gigs were unpaid, so her husband encouraged her to start charging for her performances. After developing several comedy routines and studying under a drama coach to improve her on stage presence, Phyllis Diller began receiving rave reviews as a paid local performer. That lead to a small radio gig which also helped to increase her popularity.
Although she began her professional career as a journalist for the San Leandro News-Observer, Diller garnered national attention after appearing as a contestant on You Bet Your Life, a popular TV game show hosted by comic legend Groucho Marx. Phyllis Diller's comedic banter with Marx and her trademark drawn out laugh caught the attention of the owner of The Purple Onion Comedy Club in San Francisco. He invited her to perform there and she was an instant hit with the live audience. Her one liner's like "I once wore a peekaboo blouse... People would peek and then they'd boo... " were just the kind of self-deprecating jokes that endeared her to fans.
Diller's stint at The Purple Onion quickly paid off big as invitations to appear at other large clubs poured in from across the country. In 1958 she was invited to perform on The Tonight Show, which was hosted by Jack Parr at that time, and made a huge splash with the late night national audience. She appeared on that show many times afterward and was said to be one of Johnny Carson's favorite guests after he took over The Tonight Show's hosting duties. Bob Hope also took notice of Phyllis Diller. He had been her comedic inspiration and she admitted adapting his style into her own act. Hope liked Diller's stage persona and began inviting her to join him on USO Tours, to appear with him on TV, and in several of his movies.
During the 1960s Phyllis Diller was a staple on network TV variety shows. By the time she took on the role of Dolly on Broadway, she had already appeared as an actress in an impressive number of films and stage shows. The fondest memory I have of watching her play Dolly live was when she was in a scene that took place in a restaurant. She had some meat, vegetables and several unusually large baked potatoes on her plate. While trying to cut into one of the potatoes and then take a bite out of it, she noticed it was badly over-cooked and began to make faces as she tried to chew it. Phyllis spit out the piece of potato she was chewing on, stopped her scripted dialogue and told the audience, "If I try and eat this lousy over-cooked potato, I'll bring new meaning to the phrase dying on stage!" She followed that statement with her signature drawn out laugh and brought the house down.
To me, that was classic Phyllis. She had great comedic intuition, timing and delivery. She made light of everyday situations that anyone could relate to and always did it in a way which made you crack up with laughter. A multi-talented individual, Diller fulfilled a lifelong dream performing as a solo pianist with various well-known symphony orchestras throughout the USA during the 1970s and 1980s. She also wrote a number of popular books and became known as a talented artist who created a number of well-received paintings. In all she did, Phyllis Diller always stood out as someone that attracted, rather than demanded your attention.
If I have to choose one thing that would make me admire Phyllis Diller the most, it was how she reinvented herself. Just think of the odds against a woman living during the 1950s being able to go from being an unknown suburban housewife with money troubles who told a few jokes about her life to anyone who would listen, to a famous comedienne who earned millions over a lifetime and made the world laugh at and with her. Known as a person with boundless energy and a strong work ethic, Phyllis finally retired from performing live in 2002 after a gig in Las Vegas. During a 2005 interview, she mentioned how much she missed performing and the high she got from making people laugh.
Phyllis Diller is an inspiration because she never allowed anything to stop her from achieving her goals. She looked at challenges as opportunities and left those of us who were fortunate enough to watch her perform on television or in person with the gift of laughter. Phyllis died at the age of 95 in her Los Angeles home during August of 2012. She will be missed, but never forgotten and always admired as someone who would not allow life's road blocks to block hers.